on life and love

I have not posted in forever. I have not posted much really since the break up. I guess I felt that such a public forum, despite the small readership, was not an appropriate place to discuss my feelings for the other party. But, beside my journal (and by the by, my hand kills me when i write more than a few paragraphs) , this is my means of conveying my thoughts and emotions to the world.

Sooo... i guess I'll start addressing some questions about my state of mind and state of being.

Am I over the aforementioned other party? Yes, and no. On good days, with my friends surrounding me and love interests nearby, I'm on top of the world and feeling great. On bad days, with friends working or out of town, I'm still a mess. So overall, a definite and resounding... kind of. I miss the relationship, yes, but I also miss the friendship and I think I pine for that connection most of all. But, I am unable to separate the friendship and the relationship, so, as a dear friend, the Ifer to my Ert, has been trying to ingrain in my stupid lil' head, I need my absolute distance. So, I have not called, or emailed or anything (save a reply to a merry christmas text) for quite some time and I'm proud of myself. I don't believe it's been more than I month since I tried such actions, but hey, it's a start. Interesting note, the last time I attempted to make contact, I left a message to the ex telling her that the only way she could come with me to see the foo fighters was if she would be my date.

Ifer has also tried to get to me understand this very important thing: "Once you doubt what you knew, you can never know again." Despite its formulaic-ness, and despite how high Ifer might have sounded like at the time, her words were poignant and appropriate. I have held on to the possibility of me and the ex getting back together. Ifer says exes can never get back together. While i don't believe this absolute fact, I think it's just about accurate on average. More important for me is to not hold on to her like that. It would not be healthy for me to just sit around and wait for her, regardless of whether or not we get back together. I have stunted my growth as an individual holding on to the idea of her. No more shall the ex hold me back.

What changes has this brought about in me as a person? The most obvious change has been my taste in music. It was what me and the ex shared most in common. We had very compatible tastes in music and it was always awesome. Listening to KROQ back home reminds me of her. Listening to Foo Fighters, Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins, Sublime, Rage, QOTSA, Nirvana, Jimmy Eat World and oh too many others remind me of her. Consciously or not, I have adopted lots of new music into the fold. I'm in love with old Jazz Standards, like songs written by Cole Porter, the Gershwins et al; those same songs sung by Sinatra, Fitzgerald and Holiday and the rest of the crooners and scatters. I've delved deeper into the realms of indie rock. I think I've been looking for music I know she wouldn't find. My roommate, eddie, and friend, logan, have introduced me to a lot of new music and I strive to outdo them by providing them with even more obscure, but equally good music.

Sadly more importantly, I have become a more outgoing and sociable person. I'm all about hanging out and meeting people, provided that they are not lame and fuckin have the IQ of a blueberry scone. Sadly, there aren't too many I've come across. But, I can now afford to be more selective than in the past. I've let the down the floodgates of my flirtatious personality. I'll playfully flirt with any cute girl I know, regardless or my intent or their relationship status. I've become a more witty and more crass person. My inner bartender stays with me even whilst not at the bar. One liners and witty zingers are my trademark, I dominate a lot of conversation by employing the use of the oft misunderstood "that's what she said."

What are my plans for the near future? I have no plans for the near future. I will finish school and pay off my debt, but no plans for a career. I'm still working those details out. But, I have been applying for office jobs again. I think I might look into the finance sector, but we'll see.

I do need to get laid though. That's high on the priorities, very very high. Anyone who is a cute girl or knows of a cute girl who fits the above mentioned "not lame and fuckin have the IQ of a blueberry scone," let me know and we can dance the gyro shuffle. alllllll right.

Any love interests? Yes. But, none of which I should pursue. I think they are one way streets. Suffice it to say that the summation of weighted possible costs of showing my true emotions greatly outweigh summation of the weighted possible benefits. In less asinine terms, I stand to lose a lot in my situation. Really, what it comes down to is that I'm in a awful variant of the friend-zone. But, the affections are sent to me first... Shit i would jump on board so fast. I hope she's not reading this. or do i hope she's reading this? I guess I hope she's not if she would be repulsed by it and hope that she is if she was all into me.

That's it for now.

my first 15 dollars...

So, when I was working at Cyberbrew, I got lucky whenever the heavens smiled upon me and gave me 5+ dollars in tips per shift. Every blue moon, the rarest of rare time, I would get a total of 15+ dollars in a shift in tips.

I worked my first shift as a bartender yesterday. I was just training under another bartender who, graciously, cuz he didn't need to cuz i didn't do much, gave me a portion of his tips. So a 1/4 of his tips, on a slow weekday night gave me 15 bucks. That's what I'm talking about. I could stand to get, in tips alone, around 70 to 100 a night on a regular night and 100+ on a weekend.

Besides the obvious perk of money. Bartending is cool. Due to the fact that it's a hotel, the crowd is a little older than I had hoped, but hey, they tip better anyways. The people I work are cool too. Everyone has been extremely nice, helpful and courteous.

I only made 2 drinks yesterday though, a Whiskey Sour and a sex on the beach. The rest of the drinks i served were beer and wine. A heck-of-a-lot-a people order beer and wine.

On a much lighter note...

Life's been kinda bleh the past few weeks. That's how you know someone is important to you. They aren't around for a minute and you're all fucking emo/senti. whatever. i've been trying to just get my mind off of it.

The best distraction I have is that I start bartending tomorrow. I'm gonna work the pool bar and the mainbar which is currently a karaoke bar, but will be converted into a jazz/blues bar. Awesome. I'm gonna get paid to make booze. YES. I'm gonna get paid to talk to people all day. Sweet. Like I've said before, i hope it's like being a barista, but instead of people getting wired and trying to get shit down, people are getting buzzed and trying to relax.

On another note, I realize that this blog's journey, in theory, should be coming to an end. I will no longer be bored in San Marcos as my last day will be this friday and bartending consumes my worklife. But, blogging to you 5 readers has been a method of venting and self-realization, so though I am no longer BISM, I will continue to blog. Huzzah.

true love

The problem with having a blog instead of a journal is that you know people read it. And it this case i generally know who reads it. The problem lies in that one of them is that of whom i speak of in the title... true love... and the other is my friend who doesn't believe in "one-and-onlys." If you two somehow mix it up, i will shank someone.

I love this girl. I think I have known it for awhile now, though my dumbass broke it up with her. I feared following in my family's footsteps and all sorts of unwarranted fears of infidelity. But, though I blame myself, only now have a realized what she means to me.

In the before time, I loved her. She was the love of my life, first and only. In the now time, I love her still. She was the love of my life, first and only. Only with her around do I ever feel content and complete.

And if not for our break up, we would still be together. But, you know what? As wonderful as that road may be, I would have taken her for granted. Quite contrary to normal logic, these things I know are from NOT having her. Obviously this raises the qestion, which would I choose, a life of us together with me taking her for granted, or a life without her, but truly knowing what she meant to me.

Well, I am a hopeless romantic i guess. I just can't take a pick of either dreary scenario. This girl doesn't deserve that douchebag that she dated before who didn't know exactly what she was worth to him. She deserves this current douchebag is still madly in love with her and knows why. Ironically enough, though she loved the old douchebag, she doesn't want the current douchebag who is the clearly superior guy.

I believe in true love, though the person who comments most on my blog may disagree, and with that assumption of true love, I need to be with her.

Only time will tell. God, that is such a cliched thing to say.

I'm done

Sure, I've got 1 summer class to go, and 2 classes at some community college, but this quarter represented more than just a set of classes to me. It was THE test of my character. It was a culmination and of my college experiences. With this quarter under my belt, I conquered the beast that was college and the concurrent fecal matter stained goodness that is life. It has been a fucking long ass 11 weeks. 22 units and of course, things were due every week, and there were midterms upon midterms to study for and essays to write. Work sucked the life out of me despite not doing anything strenuous. It's the negative energy in this place that fucks me up. My stupid ass decided to take bartending classes during week 8 and 9. On top of that, me and my roommate hung out a lot. FYI, greatest roommate I've had. Period.

Obviously I couldn't have done all that without things suffering. First came my sleep and sanity. Then, came classes I missed. Then, most tragically were friends that I flaked on and didn't see nearly as often as I wanted. I bolded and italicized the "I" in the beginning of this paragraph because both my roommates prove you can do everything with only 24 hours in a day. That's what I need to learn how to do. Either that or just accept my limitations and not commit to so many things. All quarter, if you saw me, I'm sure i bitched about on of those above mentioned things. But, not once did I blame myself.

It is amazing to me how much a person can grow (emotionally... jokes are too easy to make) in a span of 1 school year. During community college, I thought to myself every semester, "this is it, I'm gonna come out of my shell this semester." And when I didn't, I blamed it on the fact that I didn't want to hang out with these deadbeats who don't care for higher education. And, as true as that may have been, I had missed out on opportunities. Last year, during my first year at UCSD, I told myself every quarter "this is it, I'm gonna be the extrovert I am supposed to be." When that didn't happen, I blamed it on my living situations. I have always blamed people and things other than myself.

Of everything I've learned this year, what is most important is that we must all take full responsibilities of our actions, or in my case inactions. I heard a joke yesterday about Lao Tzu and the misinterpretation of "action through inaction" and realized that as funny as that joke was, it was talking about me and it wasn't funny in context. I have had this false pretense that everything will just work out... So i miss class to do an essay that is 1 day late. It will be alright. They won't mind if I flake out on them, I need some sleep... etc.

I still believe that everything will work out and that everything I plan to do can be done, but now, I know I need to put my everything into it... just like those damned roommates of mine. Fucking girls that put shit into perspective... makes me so mad. haha.

I'm more or less done with undergrad school. I've got to make some choices in my life. I think I still want to go to grad school. I've held onto that goal for more than 2 months so that's gotta mean something as I am as fickle as a baby with OCD.

I've been scared to take risks and to put myself out there. I'm trying to change all of that. I'm quitting my job by the end of June. I will work my ass off to pay rent and everything else this summer. I will get that fucking bartending job. School may be done (kinda) but life is still gonna be fucking harsh. I will take it one step at a time.

This summer will be a new challenge.

hope to blog again soon

will... blog... sooon.... must convey thoughts.... stupid finals and papers and problem sets... fuck

Pretense in the Wine Circles

Shit, I just blogged like an hour ago, but I got inspired real quick(probably due to the boredom here at work).

I attended my 4th bartending class last night and it was about wine. I liked white wine and could stand red wine before this class, but I left with a greater appreciation for wine culture as well as a 1/4 of a bottle of fume blanc. It was awesome. I learned to properly serve wine at the table and i learned the proper way to drink wine. It's quite the complicated process, but does it ever make a difference! Wine that tasted austere and acidic and overly tart became agreeable and grassy when you applied the right method of tasting. FYI, those are some of the proper words to use when describing the quality of a wine. But, along with all the good, I learned of the snobbery of wineheads. Now, I knew they were pretentious asshats. But, I did not know how much pretense or asshattery was, in fact, involved.

"Still wine" (all the wine that people drink, not including champagne) is only still wine if using the classic set of french grapes. It's got to be made of Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Cabernet, etc to qualify as wine. You can make alcohol from concorde grapes the same way as other grapes from france, but you can't call it wine. It's "Fortified Wine."

Did you know that wine packaging does not matter for the finish product of wine? I was led to believe, due to the my impression formed by the winers that only in a corked bottle does wine mature properly. But, if you put the same wine in three separate containers, a corked bottle, a screwtop bottle and a plastic bladder for boxwine, THEY WILL TASTE THE SAME! The reason why boxwine is usually not good is not because putting it in a plastic bladder makes is awful, it's just that the younger vineyards, who don't have as reputable and good wine are more likely to be putting their product in such contraptions. "Legitimate" wineries (the old and established) legitimize their wine through adherence to traditions. They scoff on the cheaper packaging of box or screwtop wine for fear that they would be considered of lower quality by those aforementioned asshat wineheads.

True, wine in a bottle just looks so much better than wine in a box, but hey, its potentially the same shit. And yes, part of the experience of wine is screwing off the cork. Boxwine and screwtop wine should be served when this experience doesn't matter. But, due to the potential judgment that those winos could pass, restaurants don't usually serve this less expensive alternative.

Now, I'm just ranting, so ignore me.

Point is, wine is awesome, and it could be more awesome if stripped of its elitist snobbery.

But, at the same time, it's probably from this elitist snobbery that winemaking has been refined into the art form it is today.

Webcomics to read...

So what does BISM (bored in san marcos, i'm totally going to use this as my blog moniker) do with his free time while he is, in fact, bored in san marcos? Well, BISM reads webcomics. He's always looking for new ones, but he's loyal to a handful. Also, he enjoys spontaneously switching from third person to first person...

These are the webcomics I adore:

Order of the Stick (OoTS) is based on a D&D (dungeons and dragons) world complete with the battle systems and everything. Specifically, it's the on going quest of a set of PCs (player characters) to defeat the ever evil, yet ever hysterical Lich, Xykon. It's quite the laugh, but presents a good deal of drama.

Questionable Content (QC) is about a group of friends in Massachusetts. The ongoing story arc has been about Marten and his roommate Faye (with whom he had been infatuated with, without her reciprocating) and their ragtag group of friends who include eccentric baristas, a girl with OCD and metalheads. It's laced with dry witty humor and is chock full of indie music references. Art in the beginning is crap compared to what the new ones look like.

Erfworld is the story of Parson Gotti, a tabletop gamer (warhammer and other turnbased strategy games) who is sucked into an alternate reality in which he must lead troops to hold back an invading army. In this alternate reality, wars are not realtime, but turn based, like his games he played.

Misfile is a totally fucked story. The premise is that our existence as human beings lies in a manila folder within celestial filing cabinets. to alter the contents of a folder would change the person that folder represents. For Ash, he wakes up one day to find out he is and has been a woman all his life. For Emily, she wakes up to find out that the past two years of her life had disappeared and that she was back in her sophomore year of highschool. The only way to get it fixed is to help a pot smoking angel get back into heaven. Sounds contrived? I know, but it's actually really not once you start reading.

Abstract Gender is the story of two friends who are abducted and on whom experiments were performed. Ryan Hawke wakes up and is a girl. Brian wakes up and finds out the same, except he switch back and forth on command. The story revolves on Ryan's adjusting to his situation in the high school setting.


The Noob is based within an MMORPG called Clichequest. It follows Oforf'ssake throughout the world leveling up and meeting all other PCs in Clichequest.

Fuzzy and OJ is a tale of two endearing misogynists. Enough said.

Sexy Losers is a creepy and odd set of comics that revolves around the topic of sex. Unfortunately, they stopped updating two years ago, but it's worth a read through if you've ever been disturbed by the Japanese sense of sexuality.