my first 15 dollars...

So, when I was working at Cyberbrew, I got lucky whenever the heavens smiled upon me and gave me 5+ dollars in tips per shift. Every blue moon, the rarest of rare time, I would get a total of 15+ dollars in a shift in tips.

I worked my first shift as a bartender yesterday. I was just training under another bartender who, graciously, cuz he didn't need to cuz i didn't do much, gave me a portion of his tips. So a 1/4 of his tips, on a slow weekday night gave me 15 bucks. That's what I'm talking about. I could stand to get, in tips alone, around 70 to 100 a night on a regular night and 100+ on a weekend.

Besides the obvious perk of money. Bartending is cool. Due to the fact that it's a hotel, the crowd is a little older than I had hoped, but hey, they tip better anyways. The people I work are cool too. Everyone has been extremely nice, helpful and courteous.

I only made 2 drinks yesterday though, a Whiskey Sour and a sex on the beach. The rest of the drinks i served were beer and wine. A heck-of-a-lot-a people order beer and wine.

On a much lighter note...

Life's been kinda bleh the past few weeks. That's how you know someone is important to you. They aren't around for a minute and you're all fucking emo/senti. whatever. i've been trying to just get my mind off of it.

The best distraction I have is that I start bartending tomorrow. I'm gonna work the pool bar and the mainbar which is currently a karaoke bar, but will be converted into a jazz/blues bar. Awesome. I'm gonna get paid to make booze. YES. I'm gonna get paid to talk to people all day. Sweet. Like I've said before, i hope it's like being a barista, but instead of people getting wired and trying to get shit down, people are getting buzzed and trying to relax.

On another note, I realize that this blog's journey, in theory, should be coming to an end. I will no longer be bored in San Marcos as my last day will be this friday and bartending consumes my worklife. But, blogging to you 5 readers has been a method of venting and self-realization, so though I am no longer BISM, I will continue to blog. Huzzah.

true love

The problem with having a blog instead of a journal is that you know people read it. And it this case i generally know who reads it. The problem lies in that one of them is that of whom i speak of in the title... true love... and the other is my friend who doesn't believe in "one-and-onlys." If you two somehow mix it up, i will shank someone.

I love this girl. I think I have known it for awhile now, though my dumbass broke it up with her. I feared following in my family's footsteps and all sorts of unwarranted fears of infidelity. But, though I blame myself, only now have a realized what she means to me.

In the before time, I loved her. She was the love of my life, first and only. In the now time, I love her still. She was the love of my life, first and only. Only with her around do I ever feel content and complete.

And if not for our break up, we would still be together. But, you know what? As wonderful as that road may be, I would have taken her for granted. Quite contrary to normal logic, these things I know are from NOT having her. Obviously this raises the qestion, which would I choose, a life of us together with me taking her for granted, or a life without her, but truly knowing what she meant to me.

Well, I am a hopeless romantic i guess. I just can't take a pick of either dreary scenario. This girl doesn't deserve that douchebag that she dated before who didn't know exactly what she was worth to him. She deserves this current douchebag is still madly in love with her and knows why. Ironically enough, though she loved the old douchebag, she doesn't want the current douchebag who is the clearly superior guy.

I believe in true love, though the person who comments most on my blog may disagree, and with that assumption of true love, I need to be with her.

Only time will tell. God, that is such a cliched thing to say.

I'm done

Sure, I've got 1 summer class to go, and 2 classes at some community college, but this quarter represented more than just a set of classes to me. It was THE test of my character. It was a culmination and of my college experiences. With this quarter under my belt, I conquered the beast that was college and the concurrent fecal matter stained goodness that is life. It has been a fucking long ass 11 weeks. 22 units and of course, things were due every week, and there were midterms upon midterms to study for and essays to write. Work sucked the life out of me despite not doing anything strenuous. It's the negative energy in this place that fucks me up. My stupid ass decided to take bartending classes during week 8 and 9. On top of that, me and my roommate hung out a lot. FYI, greatest roommate I've had. Period.

Obviously I couldn't have done all that without things suffering. First came my sleep and sanity. Then, came classes I missed. Then, most tragically were friends that I flaked on and didn't see nearly as often as I wanted. I bolded and italicized the "I" in the beginning of this paragraph because both my roommates prove you can do everything with only 24 hours in a day. That's what I need to learn how to do. Either that or just accept my limitations and not commit to so many things. All quarter, if you saw me, I'm sure i bitched about on of those above mentioned things. But, not once did I blame myself.

It is amazing to me how much a person can grow (emotionally... jokes are too easy to make) in a span of 1 school year. During community college, I thought to myself every semester, "this is it, I'm gonna come out of my shell this semester." And when I didn't, I blamed it on the fact that I didn't want to hang out with these deadbeats who don't care for higher education. And, as true as that may have been, I had missed out on opportunities. Last year, during my first year at UCSD, I told myself every quarter "this is it, I'm gonna be the extrovert I am supposed to be." When that didn't happen, I blamed it on my living situations. I have always blamed people and things other than myself.

Of everything I've learned this year, what is most important is that we must all take full responsibilities of our actions, or in my case inactions. I heard a joke yesterday about Lao Tzu and the misinterpretation of "action through inaction" and realized that as funny as that joke was, it was talking about me and it wasn't funny in context. I have had this false pretense that everything will just work out... So i miss class to do an essay that is 1 day late. It will be alright. They won't mind if I flake out on them, I need some sleep... etc.

I still believe that everything will work out and that everything I plan to do can be done, but now, I know I need to put my everything into it... just like those damned roommates of mine. Fucking girls that put shit into perspective... makes me so mad. haha.

I'm more or less done with undergrad school. I've got to make some choices in my life. I think I still want to go to grad school. I've held onto that goal for more than 2 months so that's gotta mean something as I am as fickle as a baby with OCD.

I've been scared to take risks and to put myself out there. I'm trying to change all of that. I'm quitting my job by the end of June. I will work my ass off to pay rent and everything else this summer. I will get that fucking bartending job. School may be done (kinda) but life is still gonna be fucking harsh. I will take it one step at a time.

This summer will be a new challenge.

hope to blog again soon

will... blog... sooon.... must convey thoughts.... stupid finals and papers and problem sets... fuck