I'm done

Sure, I've got 1 summer class to go, and 2 classes at some community college, but this quarter represented more than just a set of classes to me. It was THE test of my character. It was a culmination and of my college experiences. With this quarter under my belt, I conquered the beast that was college and the concurrent fecal matter stained goodness that is life. It has been a fucking long ass 11 weeks. 22 units and of course, things were due every week, and there were midterms upon midterms to study for and essays to write. Work sucked the life out of me despite not doing anything strenuous. It's the negative energy in this place that fucks me up. My stupid ass decided to take bartending classes during week 8 and 9. On top of that, me and my roommate hung out a lot. FYI, greatest roommate I've had. Period.

Obviously I couldn't have done all that without things suffering. First came my sleep and sanity. Then, came classes I missed. Then, most tragically were friends that I flaked on and didn't see nearly as often as I wanted. I bolded and italicized the "I" in the beginning of this paragraph because both my roommates prove you can do everything with only 24 hours in a day. That's what I need to learn how to do. Either that or just accept my limitations and not commit to so many things. All quarter, if you saw me, I'm sure i bitched about on of those above mentioned things. But, not once did I blame myself.

It is amazing to me how much a person can grow (emotionally... jokes are too easy to make) in a span of 1 school year. During community college, I thought to myself every semester, "this is it, I'm gonna come out of my shell this semester." And when I didn't, I blamed it on the fact that I didn't want to hang out with these deadbeats who don't care for higher education. And, as true as that may have been, I had missed out on opportunities. Last year, during my first year at UCSD, I told myself every quarter "this is it, I'm gonna be the extrovert I am supposed to be." When that didn't happen, I blamed it on my living situations. I have always blamed people and things other than myself.

Of everything I've learned this year, what is most important is that we must all take full responsibilities of our actions, or in my case inactions. I heard a joke yesterday about Lao Tzu and the misinterpretation of "action through inaction" and realized that as funny as that joke was, it was talking about me and it wasn't funny in context. I have had this false pretense that everything will just work out... So i miss class to do an essay that is 1 day late. It will be alright. They won't mind if I flake out on them, I need some sleep... etc.

I still believe that everything will work out and that everything I plan to do can be done, but now, I know I need to put my everything into it... just like those damned roommates of mine. Fucking girls that put shit into perspective... makes me so mad. haha.

I'm more or less done with undergrad school. I've got to make some choices in my life. I think I still want to go to grad school. I've held onto that goal for more than 2 months so that's gotta mean something as I am as fickle as a baby with OCD.

I've been scared to take risks and to put myself out there. I'm trying to change all of that. I'm quitting my job by the end of June. I will work my ass off to pay rent and everything else this summer. I will get that fucking bartending job. School may be done (kinda) but life is still gonna be fucking harsh. I will take it one step at a time.

This summer will be a new challenge.