on life and love

I have not posted in forever. I have not posted much really since the break up. I guess I felt that such a public forum, despite the small readership, was not an appropriate place to discuss my feelings for the other party. But, beside my journal (and by the by, my hand kills me when i write more than a few paragraphs) , this is my means of conveying my thoughts and emotions to the world.

Sooo... i guess I'll start addressing some questions about my state of mind and state of being.

Am I over the aforementioned other party? Yes, and no. On good days, with my friends surrounding me and love interests nearby, I'm on top of the world and feeling great. On bad days, with friends working or out of town, I'm still a mess. So overall, a definite and resounding... kind of. I miss the relationship, yes, but I also miss the friendship and I think I pine for that connection most of all. But, I am unable to separate the friendship and the relationship, so, as a dear friend, the Ifer to my Ert, has been trying to ingrain in my stupid lil' head, I need my absolute distance. So, I have not called, or emailed or anything (save a reply to a merry christmas text) for quite some time and I'm proud of myself. I don't believe it's been more than I month since I tried such actions, but hey, it's a start. Interesting note, the last time I attempted to make contact, I left a message to the ex telling her that the only way she could come with me to see the foo fighters was if she would be my date.

Ifer has also tried to get to me understand this very important thing: "Once you doubt what you knew, you can never know again." Despite its formulaic-ness, and despite how high Ifer might have sounded like at the time, her words were poignant and appropriate. I have held on to the possibility of me and the ex getting back together. Ifer says exes can never get back together. While i don't believe this absolute fact, I think it's just about accurate on average. More important for me is to not hold on to her like that. It would not be healthy for me to just sit around and wait for her, regardless of whether or not we get back together. I have stunted my growth as an individual holding on to the idea of her. No more shall the ex hold me back.

What changes has this brought about in me as a person? The most obvious change has been my taste in music. It was what me and the ex shared most in common. We had very compatible tastes in music and it was always awesome. Listening to KROQ back home reminds me of her. Listening to Foo Fighters, Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins, Sublime, Rage, QOTSA, Nirvana, Jimmy Eat World and oh too many others remind me of her. Consciously or not, I have adopted lots of new music into the fold. I'm in love with old Jazz Standards, like songs written by Cole Porter, the Gershwins et al; those same songs sung by Sinatra, Fitzgerald and Holiday and the rest of the crooners and scatters. I've delved deeper into the realms of indie rock. I think I've been looking for music I know she wouldn't find. My roommate, eddie, and friend, logan, have introduced me to a lot of new music and I strive to outdo them by providing them with even more obscure, but equally good music.

Sadly more importantly, I have become a more outgoing and sociable person. I'm all about hanging out and meeting people, provided that they are not lame and fuckin have the IQ of a blueberry scone. Sadly, there aren't too many I've come across. But, I can now afford to be more selective than in the past. I've let the down the floodgates of my flirtatious personality. I'll playfully flirt with any cute girl I know, regardless or my intent or their relationship status. I've become a more witty and more crass person. My inner bartender stays with me even whilst not at the bar. One liners and witty zingers are my trademark, I dominate a lot of conversation by employing the use of the oft misunderstood "that's what she said."

What are my plans for the near future? I have no plans for the near future. I will finish school and pay off my debt, but no plans for a career. I'm still working those details out. But, I have been applying for office jobs again. I think I might look into the finance sector, but we'll see.

I do need to get laid though. That's high on the priorities, very very high. Anyone who is a cute girl or knows of a cute girl who fits the above mentioned "not lame and fuckin have the IQ of a blueberry scone," let me know and we can dance the gyro shuffle. alllllll right.

Any love interests? Yes. But, none of which I should pursue. I think they are one way streets. Suffice it to say that the summation of weighted possible costs of showing my true emotions greatly outweigh summation of the weighted possible benefits. In less asinine terms, I stand to lose a lot in my situation. Really, what it comes down to is that I'm in a awful variant of the friend-zone. But, the affections are sent to me first... Shit i would jump on board so fast. I hope she's not reading this. or do i hope she's reading this? I guess I hope she's not if she would be repulsed by it and hope that she is if she was all into me.

That's it for now.